Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today 

  as Giraffes. 

  Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 

  Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. 

  Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish 

  enough to attack him. 

  Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only 

  recognizes the element of surprise. 

  Chuck Norris can divide by zero 

  Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. 

  They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It 

  wouldn't take shit from anybody. 

  Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi. 

  Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. 

  Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. 

  There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to 

  live. 

  Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck 

  Norris, he finds you. 

  According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually 

  roundhouse kick you yesterday. 

  Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 

  The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck 

  Norris. 

  The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would 

  pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

  If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. 

  Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. 

  Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 

  When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck 

  Norris. 

  In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to 

  kill you, including the room itself. 

  Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. 

  He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out 

  of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card 

  from the game UNO.

  Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the 

  information he wants. 

  When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the 

  Earth down. 

  We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck 

  Norris. 

  It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. 

  Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of 

  visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. 

  Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear. 

  When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he 

  turns into Chuck Norris. 

  If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. 

  Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. 

  Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would 

  be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris 

  roundhouse kick. 

   Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 

  When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. 

  Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the 

  dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. 

  Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. 

  Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that 

  Chuck Norris is on. 

  There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has 

  allowed to live. 

  Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors. 

  Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by 

  yelling, "Bang!" 

  Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. 

  What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they 

  died? His shoe. 

  A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped 

  people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck 

  Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 

  Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.